This message is for me, but I want to share it openly in hopes that it may free others. Don’t allow issues from your past to keep your mind in bondage today. It’s a simple statement, but I didn’t realize the amount of work it can take to truly free your mind. I suppose it depends on the impact the situation has on you that determines either how long it continues to impact you OR the work you need to do to get free from the effects of the trauma.
I don’t know about you, but there are some past traumas that have sat with me longer than I expected. In my attempt to get past those thoughts I’ve talked about the issues and incidents with confidants, prayed, set my mind on things above as the bible says to do (Colossians 3:1-3), and sometimes just tried to suppress the thoughts so that they would not take over my mind. But I truly did not find freedom because sometimes things would sporadically trigger my memories about those issues and incidents. When that happened, I would try to repeat one or some of the things above, hoping the thoughts would cease.
One night I sat before the Lord and it was revealed to me that the reason I was still in this mental bondage was because I had been rejected by people who were in close proximity to me and I didn’t even realize it. I saw the early moments in my relationships with certain individuals when the rejection began and realized how and why I somewhat unknowingly spent approximately 8 years of my life in a suppressed state. You may be wondering why I didn’t realize I had been rejected. Well, the rejection was masked with other words and behaviors to control and manipulate my perception of what was happening. It wasn’t direct, in-your-face rejection. It was passive, so you could easily dismiss it as something else. I saw the behaviors for what they were outwardly, but the root of their behavior was a personal rejection of me.
So how did I respond? I reacted how I thought was best. I forgave, looked the other way, created some distance between me and certain offenders for a time, prayed about the situations, and constantly tried to move forward. All the while, the actions of others were eating away at me spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. They ate away at me because even though I tried to respond how I thought was best, I was still constantly in the environment where these actions occurred. So I don't think I ever fully healed from the attacks (while I was there). At the end of the day, the root of the issue was that the individuals I’m reflecting on had personally rejected me, but only tolerated me and kept me close (I believe) because what I had to offer to the organization was deemed valuable to the mission.
Even though I left the organization, I realize the rejection I experienced is what has truly bothered me over the years. It’s not all of the things I endured, it’s the fact that the very people who rejected me for my imperfections revealed theirs in not only how they treated me, but also in how they treated others. There’s none perfect but God. So why do we mishandle and mistreat others we do not perceive as reaching a standard of living deemed normal and acceptable to us? If you don’t want to befriend someone because of their quirks, FINE. But don’t try to leverage them for your benefit while despising them at the same time. It can be hurtful and harmful to those it’s being done to and to those observing the negative behaviors.
The rejection I experienced is what left its impact on me. I’m amazed that it took me a few years to figure this out. But thanks be unto God for revealing this to me in a plain and simple way. We have to truly be able to identify what is attacking or attaching itself to us. In my case, I didn’t realize that it wasn’t all of the negative actions and attitudes I dealt with from a few people. Those things were all rooted in rejection and that’s really what the issue was.
I usually tend to deal with rejection pretty well, I’m not one who chases people or things I don’t need to be connected to. But back then I didn’t see what I dealt with as rejection so I did not act accordingly. What’s even more interesting is that I seemingly was rejected and accepted at the same time. That level of deception by those I trusted was awful!
Identify the Root and Give it the Boot!
I’ve written a letter to God identifying the shortfalls I already know I have, acknowledging how my shortfalls have impacted others, and releasing specific individuals who negatively impacted me as a result. I’m not saying that my shortcomings warranted their actions, I’m just identifying one reason for their behavior. In other instances, insecurities, jealousy, envy, and other personal issues fueled their negative behavior toward me. Those are the things that I pray about on their behalf. Most importantly, I understand and acknowledge that their rejection has had a major impact on me and was the root cause of the years of my mind being held captive by the things that occurred during that period of time in my life. And because I've been able to identify and address it, I feel free. Free because I now know what has been plaguing me over the years and I won’t allow it anymore! Free because I know that God still loves and accepts me as I continue to love and serve and draw near to Him. Free because I know that this message, though it’s for me, may also help others get free from their trauma. So let's get free!
Selah
Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."